The Guessing Game

Just a few days into parenthood, Seth and I commented to each other that this was going to be the biggest guessing game of our lives. What an understatement! "Maybe she's hungry." "Do you think she's tired?" "Should we heat up another bottle?" "Should we put her down for a nap?" As "experienced" as we may feel at some things by 7 1/2 months, the guessing game definitely continues.

Right now, my primary challenge is breastfeeding. I know you're thinking, "Man, she doesn't have this figure out yet?" Believe me, that's what I'm thinking. I had it figured out, but things changed (as is expected). I feel like we had a really good, consistent 4 months, or so - pretty much since I have been back to work. Unfortunately, my production now seems to be declining. It is obviously hard to know how much Norah gets at any given feeding, but I know for sure that I am not pumping as much during the day as I have in the past.

Norah has also been just a little fussy lately, and I have come up with two possible reasons:

1. Teething - I could be making this up, and it is hard to get a good look, but I could swear her gums are just a little more white right in front (as if there are teeth right behind her gums). I don't feel anything else yet, but I go back to the unexplained fussiness.

2. She's hungry - sometimes I just wonder if she is getting enough. I can feel my milk let down, and I can tell she is done pretty quickly (a matter of a few minutes). The past two mornings I fed her as usual and she was a little fussy the rest of the morning before heading to daycare. This is a red flag to me because she has overall been a very content baby, especially in the morning.

So what's the game plan? For starters, tomorrow night when we get home from work/daycare I'm going to feed her like I usually do. If she is at all fussy I'm going to give her a bottle and see if she is happier the rest of the evening.

I am committed to trying to do whatever I can to continue breastfeeding. I always had one year in mind as a target, and I will be extremely disappointed if I can't meet that goal. I have asked myself what the big deal is - I mean, as much as I truly do believe breastmilk is the best thing for my baby, I also know formula is not an evil option (to use the words of Norah's pediatrician). I think I can get my head around that...actually, I know I can. So it has to be the emotional side of things. Norah just seems too little to not be breastfeeding. To think about not having that time with her simply breaks my heart. Realistically it has to end sometime, but I'm just not ready. Sure, sometimes it feels inconvenient, but it is really hard to think about not having her little hand roam around my chest, up to my mouth, and around my face. It's hard to imagine not sitting in the recliner and looking down on her anymore as she eats--the way I have for hours and hours since she was born.

I know if we're coming close to the end it is not the end of the world. I also know it has to happen sometime. Maybe, hopefully, it's not now. Either way, I will sleep well tonight knowing that I did my very best.