Another Big Chapter Comes to an End (Almost)

When Macy turned one I stopped pumping at work. The timing was great - I had a three-day off-site meeting the following week and was SO happy not to have to drag another bag along, figure out where to pump, and sneak out of the meetings multiple times a day.

I made a few significant changes to the routine when Macy turned 10 months, including not setting my alarm to get up in the middle of the night anymore, and pumping twice a day at work instead of three times. But before that I religiously pumped five times a day. It seemed like I had more all-day meetings and trips than I did when I was pumping for Norah, including Aberdeen and Milan. (I will not look back on pumping in the airplane bathroom fondly - it made pumping in a normal bathroom look good.) Luckily my milk supply was strong, so pouring all that milk down the sink during those trips was more tolerable.

It is really nice not to have to carefully plan my work day, slipping out of meetings to fit in three pumping sessions a day. And it is great not to have to carry four bags into work anymore.

I stored, labeled, and froze who knows how much milk - enough to provide a continuous supply for Macy and at least a month extra. We're still working through the freezer supply for school days, so I'm not sure exactly how long it will last.

But we aren't totally done. As with Norah we are nursing before bed and first thing in the morning. And on the weekends we still nurse before naps. I'm not sure how long that will last, though - I have noticed it is taking longer for my milk to come in, and Macy seems to be getting impatient. And truthfully, I am ready for the same freeing feeling on the weekends that I now have at work. It would be great not to have to plan my day around her naps.

I feel a big sense of accomplishment for being able to nurse both girls for a full year. I know of enough people who have had breastfeeding challenges to know that the ability to do so should not be taken for granted. And though it was not always easy (and often a serious inconvenience), I am happy it worked out for us.

Yes, I will be sad when we are completely done. Very sad. But I am thankful that it worked out for this long and will embrace the next chapter.

Macy - 6 Months

Dear Macy,

This note may have been slightly different if I had done it on the day you actually turned 6 months old. In the 11 days since then we have been to Goshen and back for the holidays and you weren't quite the incredibly easy baby we are used to. 

But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt because I think your struggles had to do with having a head cold and being in an unfamiliar place. And despite everything, you were still a relatively easy baby. You basically have us spoiled, so what may be considered a typical amount of fussing for a 6-month old by others has us frustrated and wondering what's wrong. 

Generally, you continue to be a very easy baby. Your daddy and I thought Norah was easy, and then you came along. Sometimes I refer to you as the "miracle child." With the exception of last week, you typically hang out happily cooing and smiling.  

You are super interactive these days, and love, love, LOVE to flash your beautiful smile. You make everyone feel like it is a super special smile just for them. We barely glance in your direction, and out it comes. Your daddy and I just can't get enough of it. 

When you fuss a teeny tiny bit, we know you are either hungry or tired. Otherwise you are very easy going and happy. Just plain happy.

Your bedtime is 6:30, and while you are a good sleeper you aren't very consistent. The week or so leading up to our trip you started getting up twice a night again, instead of just once. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have fed you the second time because it may have started a pattern. Between that and our trip, which threw you off even further, we have some sleep training ahead of us in the next few weeks. I am hopeful that your easygoing personality will transfer to this process, making it less painful than it might be otherwise. Time will tell. 

You are still nursing and continue to be a great eater. I don't seem to be responding as well to the pump as I do to you, so I am supplementing with 12 fenugreek a day to try to keep my production up. I have a freezer full of milk, but am barely breaking even in terms of what you drink at school (20 oz) and what I pump at work, before bed, and in the middle of the night (depending on when you get up). We will probably start trying solids soon into the new year. 

In terms of mobility you are rolling over both directions with ease and can sit up with a bit of help. You are getting closer and closer to sitting up on your own. You scoot around a bit to get a toy within reach, but you are not getting up on your knees yet. 

One thing I love to observe is the way you enjoy interacting with your sister, and vice versa. Just today Norah was running around our house singing "Ring around the Rosy" and falling down at the end in front of the exersaucer that you were in. You smiled every time she ran by you and giggled when she fell...over and over and over. You definitely know who she is and light up at the first sight of her. Norah loves to tell you good morning each day and is very helpful taking care of you. 

Your 6-month pediatrician appointment was uneventful. He is pleased at your progress and noted that you seem very content with life. The stats:

Weight: 15 lbs, 13 oz (47th percentile)

Height: 26 inches (60th percentile)

Head: 16 inches (26th percentile)

Macy Girl, you are my sweetheart. Your smile melts my heart and brightens my day. I love the way you snuggle into my face and neck. And I love kissing your irresistible cheeks. As I often tell you, "I could just eat you up, you're so sweet." (I have heard your sister tell you the same.) 

I look forward to all of the joy you will bring to our lives. 

Love, 

Mommy

P.S. If you could get this sleep thing figured out quickly, that would be great. 

Aunt Annie Fun (and a General...and Long...Update)

Last weekend my dear friend Annie came to visit. I have known her my whole life and I have many fond memories from when we were little girls, in college and now as adults. We enjoyed a lot of time doing pretty much nothing - just sitting around with the kids. The two of us had a nice dinner out together and did some shopping. We exposed her to some of our favorite carry out restaurants, and one of our favorite grilled salmon recipes from kitchen Gunden Kauffman (mostly Kauffman). We baked and frosted cookies with Norah, and we went on a walk and to the park. 

Norah ADORED Aunt Annie. Every morning the first thing she asked is whether she was up yet. For a while she kept referring to her as my friend, but we got "Aunt Annie"grilled into her head during the weekend. 

Otherwise we have been keeping busy with our jobs and our three-year old. Norah turned 3 on a Saturday (in mid-October), and the following Monday we did not recognize our child. Most of that week she had hysterical fits almost every morning and evening. It continued to be pretty bad for about two weeks, and has since improved a bit overall (in terms of fewer meltdowns).

But these meltdowns...they are AWFUL. She screams so hard she is sometimes hoarse the next day. We quickly learned the warning signs, but haven't really figured out how to keep it from escalating. We are also still working on the best way to calm her down and help her out of them. She is a persistent little girl, and that isn't the first time I have used that word to describe her.

We take it situation by situation, but overall are attempting to ignore the behavior as much as possible and follow the "no talk, no emotion" rule. (Side note...I 100% did not follow that rule tonight. I definitely talked, and I most definitely showed emotion. My excuse is that I am sick. And. Just Tired.)

Back to parenting that I can be more proud of, we generally feel we are seeing improvement and would like to think it is because (usually) we are not adding fuel to the fire. Obviously we (mostly I) have some work to do, but we're working on it.

As for "Macy Cakes," as Aunt Annie calls her, she continues to be a poor sleeper at daycare. 18 minutes here, 25 minutes there. I joke with her teachers that they even record it in the nap section of her daily report. With that and the time change, she very often cries most of our commute home. As soon as we get in the house I feed her and put her to bed as soon as possible. And she is out. She has been getting up once to eat between 4:00 and 6:00am. So we still cannot complain about her stretches, but her inconsistency is a little challenging in terms of workout and pumping plans.

My production has been going down a bit, and my assumption is that it is due to my body not responding as well to the pump (now that I have been back to work as long as I have) as it does to Macy. I am on 12 fenugreek a day, which is helping. My doctor, who happens to be a recognized breastfeeding advocate and expert, said the first thing she always recommends is to make sure you are pumping/feeding 8 times a day with no more than 6 hours in between any two sessions. I was at more like 6, maybe 7. So I'm trying to get at least 7, but 8 is tough if I want a decent stretch of sleep at night.

Speaking of, I need to go to bed. I realize this will not go down in history as my most coherent entry ("rambling" may be a better way to describe it), but so be it. There won't be much action from me over the next 4 days since Macy and I are off to cousin Matt's wedding. But we'll be on vacation all next week, so hopefully I'll have more time then.

Cheers!

We Survived

What an adjustment. I went from generally laid back days of painting, socializing, organizing, nursing and cuddling to full on work mode overnight. Within two minutes of logging in this morning one of my clients called with an urgent project. And I'm not talking a simple, robotic type of a request. He needed help preparing a ten-slide presentation for one of our high level executives to give to the CEO of a major operating company. And I thought I would primarily be sifting through emails for a few days. No such luck. In addition to this presentation (which is due tomorrow), I was briefed on everything else in the works and we have a lot to do. Quickly. Welcome back! The morning went relatively smoothly until we were 15 minutes into our drive to school and I realized I forgot to throw in Macy's bottles from the fridge. After almost an hour on the road we arrived. And Macy fussed most of the way, which is unusual. The thought of leaving her got harder and harder as the time neared and, as predicted, I cried when it was time to go. Her teachers were very sweet and sympathetic. I made it relatively quick and got out of there. They say she had a good day, though she barely slept at all. I am sure she will need some time to adjust to her new sleep environment - bright lights and lots of action. Despite the lack of sleep they said she wasn't fussy. She crashed on the way home and went to bed at 8pm. The most positive news of the day is that she drank 12 ounces and I pumped 19! It only took three times, about 5 to 7 minutes each. Not complaints here. Both kids were in bed by 8 and I have all of the bags unpacked and bottles made for tomorrow. Seth is working down here tomorrow so they will drop me off and he will take the kids to school. I am totally exhausted, but I am sure it will get easier.

This Time it's for Real

A week ago this past Monday I announced to Seth that I was done breastfeeding. I don't know why, exactly, but I felt sure about it. So I didn't breastfeed Norah that morning, and haven't since.

We had been, for the most part, nursing morning and night and 1-2 times during the day when we were together (weekends and the holidays). There were enough times that we didn't, for one reason or another, that I was pretty sure my body would adjust just fine if we quit cold turkey. And it did.

I wasn't sure how Norah would react. She seems to adjust well to things in general, but she was also used to nursing before bed and every morning. It's all she knew. Turns out I had nothing to worry about. It was more difficult for me than her. Even though I felt ready to be done overall, there have been times since then that I long to nurse. Of course I know that to do so would only be confusing for Norah, so we haven't.

As I have said many times before, I knew from the beginning that I wanted to nurse for at least a year. Once we reached that point I was playing it by ear. With the struggles we had at the beginning, and stories I have heard first hand from friends, I know that being able to nurse your baby is not something to be taken for granted, and I am very thankful that it worked out for us.

Among the memories of the challenges are others that I will hold dear to my heart. I will always remember the feeling of tiny little Norah in my arms as a newborn. I will always remember her smiling up at me. I will always remember her hand rubbing my chest and face. And I will always cherish the breastfeeding experience that we shared.

A Noteworthy Day

Yesterday I pulled the last 4 oz. bottle of breast milk out of the freezer for Norah. For the past few weeks I have been splitting one bottle among three 4 oz. bottles, and adding whole milk to fill them up. That mixture (approximately 3 parts whole milk to 1 part breast milk) is what Norah has been getting in her sippy cup three times a day at daycare.

No more.

From here on out it is nothing but whole milk. I'm sure she'll do fine, but after 14 months of breastfeeding, and hundreds of pumping sessions I felt it was worth nothing that our freezer supply is gone.

Interestingly, yesterday was the first morning Norah refused to nurse. I asked her a few times if she was sure she was all done, and she answered by doing the sign for hungry and pointing to her chair.

Okay, okay, I get it.

Now that we have more freezer space I was able to take advantage of a great deal at Omaha Steaks yesterday...

Are We Weaning for Good?

I read somewhere recently that technically the weaning process begins as soon as babies start eating solids. I can see the logic in that, but had never thought of it that way. Of course I didn't truly know what to expect in terms of how long Norah would nurse, although I was aware that she would be done well before her first birthday. But I didn't want her to be.

Since hitting the one-year milestone things have started to changing. First of all, I began slowly backing off of pumping, and have reached the point now that I am not pumping at all. It was getting frustrating to go through the effort and only pump 1 1/2 ounces at a time. And I feel so light and free as I walk into the office without that bag. One day recently I hadn't taken my computer home, and didn't need a lunch that day so I literally walked in with only my purse.

Over the past month I have noticed changes in my body, and I think it is highly likely that it is all related to changing hormones, which is also affecting nursing. One night last week I didn't feel my milk come in as Norah was nursing before bed. That was a first. The next morning I felt it again, but since then the let down feels noticeably lighter and shorter than in the past.

As a result of these changes, this week my mind has often wondered to my nursing experience overall and our current situation. I've had several conversations with my friend Lisa who is in a very similar situation. (Note: this is the Lisa with 14 month old twins who are still nursing.) She made a very good point - we are spending a lot of time feeling sad about the fact that our nursing days may be coming to and end, and as a result are probably not fully appreciating and enjoying the remaining nursing sessions. Duh! Since she pointed that out (and she was right) I have worked to change my focus.

The thought of possibly being done nursing does still make me sad. But I feel very differently than I have in the past when I feared our nursing days were over. I can sense the freedom that will come along with being done. And while a bit of that may be selfish they are feelings I can't deny. I may be wrong but I think Norah will adjust okay. She is already easily distracted and seems to be getting frustrated at times with how long it takes for my milk to let down. So far she isn't interested in whole milk, but I'm not too concerned. She gets plenty of dairy and we will continue to make sure that happens whether it is through milk or other means.

Obviously nursing has to end sometime, and as we get closer to that time it also means that Norah is continuing to grow and develop. I have been thoroughly enjoying watching that happen lately (when is that not the case?). This morning I asked her how the cow goes and for the first time she went, "mmmmmmm" before I even did it. (I know that isn't quite how a cow goes, but that is how she has been imitating my "mooooo.")

So while I continue to have mixed feelings I am more okay with the thought of being done than I ever have been in the past. And I really don't even know that this is the end. I have just felt enough change recently to have the thought cross my mind.

Nursing has hands down been one of the greatest parenting experiences so far for me and while it has not been easy (actually difficult and painful at times) I am so happy I made the effort. It has all been worth it.

A Moment of Panic

Yesterday I started the first of three days of meetings with 30 men and me (I'm used to it by now). I fed Norah at 7AM and headed out. Dinners were scheduled on Tuesday and Thursday as part of the meetings, so I knew I wouldn't see Norah that night. Seth took her to be with my parents at my sister's house, will work from home today so he can have daycare duty, and will take her to be with my parents again tomorrow.

I had previously scoped the scene to figure out where I would pump, and discovered a private stall in the women's restroom, complete with a sink and outlet. I would never choose to pump in a restroom, but I couldn't come up with any other options.

When I arrived yesterday morning I put the pump in the corner of the restroom. Throughout the morning I used the restroom and noted the pump sitting safely where I had put it. Just before 11AM I snuck out of the meetings between presentations to pump, but when I got to the restroom my pump was gone. Heart beating...faster...faster...faster...

Yes, it is the only restroom on the floor, so I knew others would be using it. Yes, I knew it was a risk putting it in there. But I did it anyway. I snuck back into the meeting room to get my badge, and went down to the security desk with the hopes that someone had turned it in. Nothing. They suggested checking with building management. Success! The cleaning lady had turned it in.

I found a safer place to put the pump, but only managed to pump once over lunch, then not again until 5:30. I went to dinner, got home at 9PM and will be back in meetings all day today, again trying to squeeze in a little pumping action. I figure I won't be able to pump as much these three days, but at least we have a three day weekend coming up so I can try to make up for it by feeding Norah more frequently.

I am actually surprised that I haven't had more situations like this where I have to use a little creativity to figure out how I am going to pump. There have been some times where I had clients in from out of town and we blocked off entire mornings or afternoons to meet one-on-one. I guess my approach on those days was typically just to skip the pumping. Luckily it hasn't happened enough to be a big deal.

I am so over the pump, yet at the same time very motivated to keep pumping because I have had such a positive experience nursing Norah. I am not ready to be done. We're 10 1/2 months into my goal of 1 year, so I'm not about to stop now.

Breastfeeding Recovery

Okay, so it happened again - minimal sleep, changes in Norah's habits, a few signs that something wasn't right on the supply front, plus just a tendency to be a wee dramatic at times led to my thinking that my production was decreasing. This time, I really did think it might be a permanent thing. I'm sure Seth would say, "I told you so," because every time I tell him I think I'm having production issues he says, "Are you sure? You've felt like this before and it ends up okay." And every time I say, "No, I'm pretty sure this time."

Anyway, I really didn't want it to be the end, as you know if you read my previous entry on the topic. I got in contact with my doctor, who is a certified lactation consultant, and a huge proponent of breastfeeding. I gave her a basic description of what was happening and the first thing she said was, "I'm not convinced you're having supply issues." She gave me a key piece of information, which I think at least partially explains the issue.

Evidently a span of 6-8 hours without feeding or pumping alters hormonal levels that help to maintain lactation. Who knew? In all the reading I've done I never came across that important nugget of information. Norah started sleeping through the night about a month and a half ago, and I, eager for normal nights of sleep, did not replace pumping with that feeding. In hindsight, obviously that is what I should have done.

So, after enjoying a regular sleep schedule for a month and a half I am back to setting the alarm for between 2 and 3:00AM for a date with my pump. My new schedule is as follows:

7AM feed Norah
10AM pump
1PM pump
3PM pump
6PM feed Norah
9PM pump
2-3AM pump

My main issue with this scheduld (besides the 2AM alarm setting) is the ration of feeding to pumping. It's just not right! As I said to my friend Lisa recently, I live for weekends, holidays and vacations.

At any rate, I am happy to have yet even more knowledge on breastfeeding, hopefully just the infomation I need to keep it going. My goal is to continue for a year. I plan for October 15th, Norah's birthday, to be my last day taking that stinkin' pump to work. On Ocotber 16th, I will hold a small ceremony with a few close friends at work to tear my sticky note that reads, "Please do not disturb" into tiny little shreds.

One thing I learned through this is just how strongly I feel about breastfeeding, and how badly I want to make it at least a year. I think that is part of the reason I was so emotional about it when I thought my produciton was decreasing for good. I'm just not ready to be done.

The Guessing Game

Just a few days into parenthood, Seth and I commented to each other that this was going to be the biggest guessing game of our lives. What an understatement! "Maybe she's hungry." "Do you think she's tired?" "Should we heat up another bottle?" "Should we put her down for a nap?" As "experienced" as we may feel at some things by 7 1/2 months, the guessing game definitely continues.

Right now, my primary challenge is breastfeeding. I know you're thinking, "Man, she doesn't have this figure out yet?" Believe me, that's what I'm thinking. I had it figured out, but things changed (as is expected). I feel like we had a really good, consistent 4 months, or so - pretty much since I have been back to work. Unfortunately, my production now seems to be declining. It is obviously hard to know how much Norah gets at any given feeding, but I know for sure that I am not pumping as much during the day as I have in the past.

Norah has also been just a little fussy lately, and I have come up with two possible reasons:

1. Teething - I could be making this up, and it is hard to get a good look, but I could swear her gums are just a little more white right in front (as if there are teeth right behind her gums). I don't feel anything else yet, but I go back to the unexplained fussiness.

2. She's hungry - sometimes I just wonder if she is getting enough. I can feel my milk let down, and I can tell she is done pretty quickly (a matter of a few minutes). The past two mornings I fed her as usual and she was a little fussy the rest of the morning before heading to daycare. This is a red flag to me because she has overall been a very content baby, especially in the morning.

So what's the game plan? For starters, tomorrow night when we get home from work/daycare I'm going to feed her like I usually do. If she is at all fussy I'm going to give her a bottle and see if she is happier the rest of the evening.

I am committed to trying to do whatever I can to continue breastfeeding. I always had one year in mind as a target, and I will be extremely disappointed if I can't meet that goal. I have asked myself what the big deal is - I mean, as much as I truly do believe breastmilk is the best thing for my baby, I also know formula is not an evil option (to use the words of Norah's pediatrician). I think I can get my head around that...actually, I know I can. So it has to be the emotional side of things. Norah just seems too little to not be breastfeeding. To think about not having that time with her simply breaks my heart. Realistically it has to end sometime, but I'm just not ready. Sure, sometimes it feels inconvenient, but it is really hard to think about not having her little hand roam around my chest, up to my mouth, and around my face. It's hard to imagine not sitting in the recliner and looking down on her anymore as she eats--the way I have for hours and hours since she was born.

I know if we're coming close to the end it is not the end of the world. I also know it has to happen sometime. Maybe, hopefully, it's not now. Either way, I will sleep well tonight knowing that I did my very best.

Pediatrician Visit

So it appears as though we definitely have the feeding thing down because Norah now weighs almost 10 pounds (9 lbs, 15 ounces to be exact)! We had her 2 month check up today (one week late) and according to her pediatrician all looks really good (well, except for a slightly flat head, but more tummy time each day should solve that).

I wasn't sure what to do about immunizations, but we ended up getting all of them. There is some controversy over whether some of them can cause neurological damage. There doesn't appear to be a whole lot of research to support a link to neurological damage and most pediatricians still recommend getting them. We ended up concluding that either way it is a bit risky, but that not getting them was the bigger risk.

So, off we screamed. Norah actually did pretty well, and her unfamiliar piercing scream made me realize that she really doesn't cry all that much. If she is crying (and I would usually describe it more as fussing), she needs something.

I was also a bit concerned about two things related to sleep - where she is sleeping and how she is falling asleep. In terms of where, it is quite often the car seat. We feel she often seems more comfortable in her carseat, and whether that is becuase she is more upright (which helps with reflux symptoms) or just because it is cozier, the pediatrician feels it is okay to let her sleep there for another few more months.

And in terms of how she is falling asleep, we are often rocking her in her carseat or cradle. Over the past week we hae been working on trying to get her to fall asleep more on her own, and the pediatrician recommended we continue in that direction.

Otherwise, all is well and according to the pediatrician she is doing great!

Bottle Feeding

I am pumping a few times a day now to start building a supply. We are renting a hospital grade pump to help increase my milk production, which is really helping. Seth sometimes bottle feeds with the expressed milk to give me a bit of a break, but I also hope to have a supply started for when Norah goes to daycare (sigh). I do enjoy a break every now and then, although by the time the next feeding comes around I find I am really ready for it. I remember my sister saying that when there are a lot of people around that like to hold the baby it is sort of nice that every 3 hours or so they have to come back to you. I have found this to be true so far.

Norah has had multiple bottle feedings from Seth now, plus a few from her grandmas, and she seems to have no issues going back and forth between me and the bottle.

Lions, Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

On Thursday last week we went to the zoo with Lisa and the boys. Once the kids loaded in the strollers and we were headed toward the entrance Lisa said, "Can you believe we are at the zoo together with our 3 kids?" I think it is something the two of us have thought about and anticipated for a long time. The fact that it is actually happening still feels a little surreal. Lisa works reduced hours, so we are trying to take advantage of that in combination with my leave while we can.

Norah was a trooper throughout the entire visit. For me, the trip provided a sense of accomplishment because it was our first outing that I didn't schedule between feedings, which meant breastfeeding Norah in public. After walking around for a while we sat down for lunch and I managed to nurse (using the nursing cover for the first time) and eat my lunch simultaneously. It probably seems minor, but it felt good to not be controlled by the feeding schedule (and still not use a bottle). Ahhh...one of the many benefits of breastfeeding.

Where Do the Days Go?

The days pass by so quickly, and I often feel like we haven't even done all that much. Part of that is probably due to the reflux issues. At the suggestion of our pediatrician, we are trying to keep Norah upright for 30 minutes after she eats, which just makes the feeding process all that much longer. It is one thing on the weekends when Seth is here and can take over with "holding upright" duty, but during the week it is all me. So if I start feeding Norah at 1PM, it usually takes close to 45 minutes to an hour, including sleepy breaks and diaper changes. Add on the 30 minutes of holding her upright, and by that time we only have another hour and a half until the next feeding.

I'm sure that sounds like a long time (it does even to me as I type it), but somehow it just isn't much. The "free" time after the first morning feeding is spent getting myself ready for the day (I am making a huge effort to not still be in my pjs at 2:00 in the afternoon). Then after the next feeding I am often eating lunch. That leaves the time after the afternoon feedings to get the house in order, start laundry, empty the dishwasher, etc. And that takes us into early evening already. See what I mean?

I should clarify that this isn't something that is bothering me. My only real task at this point is taking care of Norah, so it works out just fine. I enjoy every minute I get with her, even if it means I don't accomplish much else in a day. And holding her upright really is a pretty good gig. She loves to lay on our chest with her feet tucked under her body, which is extremely cuddly. I love that time that we have together.